`I had to make a choice: Did I continue to see her and practice celibacy, or should I thank her for her time and move on?'
FOR THE PAST YEAR AND A HALF, I have been dating an older woman. I am 25 and she is an elegant 41. From the time of our meeting, I was enchanted by her grace and irresistible charm. The more we talked, the more I became drawn to her. After a couple of weeks, I gathered up the nerve to ask her to dinner and, to my surprise, she said yes. She loves seafood, so I picked out a cozy restaurant near her home. It was a lovely evening. I felt very comfortable being in her company, and she told me that she felt the same way. We ended our date with a great hug and a light kiss. I could tell from the energy we shared that the union of our bodies would be a powerful experience. After only one date, I had fallen in love.
On our second date we had another of her favorites--soul food. After dinner, we took a night stroll through Central Park. As I waited for the right moment to kiss her, she stopped suddenly and said she had something to share with me. Taken aback I thought the worst: AIDS. But instead she began to explain that for the past five years she had been practicing celibacy, and that she planned to save herself for her future husband. I was totally speechless. Although I tried my best to act as if the news had little effect on me, she saw the stunned look on my face. She added that if we were to pursue a relationship, it would be one devoid of sex. I cringed at the thought. "Are you still interested?" she asked jokingly. I didn't know what to say. I was relieved when she suggested I take some time to think about it and get back to her. But as we left the park, all my fantasies began to fade, and I felt as if a permanent wall had been put between us.
That night as I lay in bed, I began to examine my feelings: Did I put too much emphasis on sex? Can a couple who don't have sex be as close as two people who do? I had to admit to myself that part of my excitement at the prospect of being with an older woman was largely sexual. Could I, as a younger man, really thrill her? What new sexual things could she, as an older woman, teach me? Her statement had changed all that, and my feelings for her began to diminish. I didn't want to involve myself with a woman who couldn't satisfy all my needs.
In the days that followed, though, I began to think that maybe a relationship without sex could be healthy for me. If nothing else, it would be a true test of my self-control. I had to make a choice: Did I continue to see her and practice celibacy, or should I thank her for her time and move on? We continued to spend time with each other, but things weren't the same. Without the possibility of sex, I could only see us as friends. I wanted to be affectionate with her, but it seemed as if it would be a waste of time. I didn't understand how to have intimacy without sex, nor did I want to. Slowly, though, as we learned more about each other, weird things started to happen. She began teaching me how to be a lover. In other relationships, my focus had been strictly on having sex. But by spending time with her, I began to understand how a full-body caress can be satisfying how a passionate kiss and hug can deliver a message, how pleasurable it can be to cuddle while watching a movie. She has shown me that a kiss is not just a kiss, but a way of relaying how you feel about a person. We've spent time talking--about celibacy, about love, about closeness to God. Some times have been tough, especially those moments when we've been lying together late at night. But knowing that it's going only so far, we try to find other ways of satisfying each other. And it has made things easier for me because there's no pressure to perform.
Over time, the sexual issue became less important, and we've learned to focus totally on love and understanding. I fell more deeply in love with her not having had sex because of the closeness we were able to achieve, a closeness I had thought wasn't possible without sex. We've been able to get really close spiritually, and we've connected on a level that allows us to just talk for hours. I admit that I do miss sex, but I like the stronger new me better. I've learned self-control and how to treat my body like the temple that it is. And though I may not always be celibate, I know now that a real relationship can be secure without sex, that a strong friendship should be at the core of any relationship and that sex is the ultimate act of love. I believe that--despite the fact that we've never had sex--my time spent in this relationship has made me a better lover and a better person.
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